My Mind Is Peaceful - My Body Is Sad

Although my mind has been in a very relaxed state for the last year or so, there has still been some tension in the body, which had somewhat eluded me. How can there be so much stillness while the body is showing tension? A couple of days ago I realized something that made things clearer: the body truly has a life of its own. It might not be a surprise to most people, but experiencing this directly made a real difference for me. My mind was clear and joyful, yet my body felt tired and sad.

So, it became obvious that the body was carrying the burdens of the past. Although the mind had stopped most of its fighting, now for the first time, my body finally realized that the “perceived danger” was over. With that relaxation, it could now reveal its exhaustion to me—and allow itself to grieve. So while my mind rested in peace, my body was in a state of mourning. Letting the body just be as it was, without any need to change anything, felt deeply healing. A depth of tiredness I didn't even know was possible came over me.

The Mind as a Master

Looking back, I have always had a fairly strong-willed mind. I could accomplish things, conquer fears, and face challenges head-on (and sometimes avoid them). But I was doing things largely with the whip of my mind as my master. Due to past traumas (the emotional wounds we all carry to varying degrees), my system had created survival strategies in order not to feel. Strategies aimed at fitting in, adapting, performing, avoiding, suppressing, overachieving… well, being whatever I thought was needed to be loved and accepted, so as not to be thrown out of the herd.

The survival mechanisms we carry were very intelligent when we were young. As children, our nervous system isn't developed enough to handle intense emotional pain. Our emotional capacity is limited, and we lack a fully developed prefrontal cortex to logically understand why a caregiver wasn't loving, why a friend was bullying us, or why an adult burst into anger without warning. As adults (if we are emotionally and spiritually mature), we now have the capacity to feel those emotions, process the situation, and make an adequate response if necessary.

For a child, however, our main strategy is often to bury or suppress the emotions. We go into tantrums or shut down to avoid feeling an unbearable amount of pain. And often, we put the blame on ourselves—feeling that something is wrong with us. It feels far too dangerous to believe there is something wrong with our surroundings or our caregivers, so we absorb the pain, simply in order to survive.

A broken ego can be a good motivator

Most survival mechanisms are unconscious. They are so ingrained in us that we believe they are part of who we are. Obsessive thinking, for example, is a great tool for avoiding feeling. If you worry or ruminate too much, you might get an idea of what that's about. We keep ourselves busy, run around, drown in coffee or other substances—anything to avoid our internal state. Stress is mostly a symptom of avoiding feeling. But unfortunately, all these strategies are also a great way to avoid life. And to get sick… The way is not OUT, it is IN!

That said, these survival mechanisms aren't all bad. In my case, I became very good at certain things because the fear of failing and feeling worthless was stronger than the fear of meeting the challenge itself. You often see this in famous artists, where an extraordinary drive (and of course talent) is propelled by an underlying feeling of worthlessness. A broken ego can be a good motivator.

For the first 30 years of my life, my capacity to feel was severely underdeveloped. I remember a girlfriend I had been with for two years (whom in retrospect I left because I couldn't handle emotions adequately) spontaneously saying, “Magnus, I don’t know you at all.” Well, I didn’t know myself, did I? I felt too much like a “piece of shit” inside to let my inner world be revealed to others. It was all unconscious, of course, as it is for most people.

Feelings are for Feeling

Most of us as adults have never actually learned how to feel. I don't mean throwing tantrums, dwelling in old drama, or reacting impulsively and irresponsibly. There is a big difference between responding like an adult with your head and heart involved versus reacting out of a hurt ego. I mean truly allowing your feelings to be felt—to move through you fully. Glennon Doyle wrote in her book Untamed that she had learned “happy” was for feeling and “pain” was for fixing, until she learned that ALL feelings were for feeling. I don't mean that all our feelings are “True” or that we should act on every one of them—just that they are meant to be felt.

So instead of letting our survival mechanisms run wild, or reaching for social media (another effective way of avoiding yourself), we can stop and simply feel. Learning to feel through old, stuck energy is a game-changer for becoming a mature adult. It brings much more peace, unlocks new possibilities and options, and creates space for authentic, fulfilling relationships. The ability to feel combined with a clear mind is a great combination for life. In the beginning, it might require some therapy or guidance, but after a while, it becomes more automatic and natural.

So to come back to my story: the body kept the score of all those years of running on survival mechanisms, over-stressing, and suppressing emotions. Instead of listening, I just kept pushing. I overruled my body’s signals and kept going, shoving emotions down. Now, my body is telling me the story of those years—about the exhaustion, the toll, and the grief. Letting it grieve feels immensely relieving and enlivening (and painful). It is as if I am listening to my body for the very first time in my life. Sweet, sweet body.

Learn how to feel

Although far from having a black belt in feeling and mastering emotions, I have become much more adept over the years. I am starting to recognize the signals for when I automatically avoid feeling.

If you want to learn how to truly feel things through, I offer tools and guidance to support that process. Through Somatic Practices, we can work directly with the body and the nervous system to address unprocessed emotions and events, which, combined with awareness techniques, is a very impactful approach.

By the way, when doing “spiritual work,” learning how to process emotions is of utmost importance. If you have too much unfinished emotional stuff, you are likely to get distracted on the path. It will be more difficult to focus. And if you are truly called to walk the spiritual path, old stuff will start to come up—often more than we asked for. If you haven't learned how to be with and process emotions, it can be quite frightening, confusing, and even unbearable. And you see, more often than wanted, so-called gurus who have reached some form of spiritual insight, while still acting in weird and unhealthy ways due to not having dealt with old emotional (and mental) stuff.

So, if you feel like it is time to become more adept at addressing and processing old stuff, please feel free to reach out!