Some notes about the Awakening

Here is an attempt to put what happened to me into words. Both since I tend to forget things and I thought I might want to use this information later. And also, to see if writing about it would deepen my understanding of it. And if anyone would find it interesting or benefit from it, that is a bonus of course.

Putting something beyond words onto paper is a challenge. I didn't intend for this to be perfect (pedagogically or grammatically), nor is it meant to be any form of teaching. It consists mostly of notes from my own memory.

There is a big difference between realizing something and truly living and embodying that realization. I don't pretend to do that yet, nor do I claim to be a wise man (yet). This embodiment is an ongoing process, and I would say it is closer to its beginning than its completion. That being said - here is what I put down:

In November 2025 I woke up, awakening happened or as I tend to say it at this moment: there was a shift in perspective. Instead of seeing the world through the person Magnus, the world, including Magnus, was seen from the perspective of Consciousness (or Seeing itself). Where there were many (subjects and objects), there was now only one.

A few months after the first shift, which could be called awakening to Consciousness, a second movement started. I began to see that I was not even that Consciousness, but the silent background in which consciousness, including all things, appears and disappears. The second movement began as a hunch, a feeling followed by insights which after some time ended in a full realization that this silent background is who I am, without beginning (birth) nor end (death).

Spiritual experiences vs realization

It is important to say something about the difference between spiritual experiences and a realization. During the last 25 years I had many spiritual experiences of no-mind, no-self, heart openings, chakra openings, energy movements etcetera. Some quite short and some lasting for days. Although perhaps these glimpses are of some importance, they are still within the field of experience. Realization is beyond any experience, beyond what can be comprehended by the mind. Which is why it is impossible to completely convey it through words.

Although awakening is indeed an instant recognition – which happens or not - the first shift is for most people, just the start of an unfolding spiritual process. If it continues at all. This process can include more understanding, deepening, more insights, cleaning of the body-mind system (chakras), more clarity, less identification and so on. In my case this process is still going on and my understanding of it and how I write about this now might be different in a few months from now, although the realization itself will not have changed of course.

So what is awakening or this shift in perspective?

In short it is the recognition that you are not the person you thought you were, but you are the space in which the person, and everything else, is perceived. Or you are not the content of consciousness (or Seeing) but you are consciousness (Seeing) itself. And with content I mean thoughts, perceptions, feelings including the experience that you are a separate individual with his/her own will and agency.

Another way to talk about the shift is that of a relaxation taking place. The ego - a survival strategy, a defence mechanism with the purpose to hold on to the idea of the person we think we are. To hold on to our (old) ideas, patterns, feelings, strategies and ways of doing (or not doing) things. When the shift happens, the ego starts to dissolve (even more). The non-existence of the Me-person is seen through and after that the power of the ego, the holding on, is to a large degree diminished.

More or less unresolved issues (memories) including traumas start to be cleaned out (in the chakras). With me this cleaning-out process is still going on although it is less and not so dominant. Fortunately, it is very automatic and does not create much fuzz. Now there seems to be more deeply rooted issues being cleared, a process mostly going on at night. There is a simultaneous descent of energy and presence downwards in the body, now mostly confined to the lower chakras (lower belly and pelvic region and even legs).

Since awakening initiates a cleaning process of ego-patterns, I have learned that the more therapy (or other healing) you have done before awakening – the easier the process will be after the shift. In my case I seemed to have cleaned out quite some shit the last years so, the process has been quite without turmoil for me so far, except the years of complete horror before…

My experience of the (first) shift

The first shift took place one morning waking up after a horrible death-panicy nightmare where five Gods were going to decide if the world should continue or not. I believe this nightmare was no more than the play of the unconscious mind (By the way, I have the sense that part of this process at least concerns the waking up of the unconscious mind).

Anyhow the best I could describe it at the time was that there was no more 2 - only 1. There was not Magnus experiencing consciousness or Magnus experiencing Being. There was only Consciousness (I as consciousness). The middle man (the person) was taken out from the equation. There was no more a Magnus experiencing things but Magnus as well as the rest of the world appearing in that which I am. You could also say that consciousness wakes up to itself, which is to say there is never a person or a me that wakes up. More on the second shift later.

After the (first) shift

The first month was filled with Aha-moments and pure bliss. As more time went by the new perspective became natural, to the extent that it was sometimes hard to know if something had happened or not. Also, it was difficult to know how to relate to thoughts and feelings that continued to pop up. The mind was actually quite funny in the beginning. It did it utmost best to try to create a sense of identity again in a million different and creative ways, but to no avail luckily. It seems like the mind has to adjust to the new circumstances. The mind has to get used to the silence. And to not being in charge.

After the shift there is a background stillness that does not go away. Even when there are thoughts, emotions and even identification there is a quietness and stillness. And a silent joy in the background which I interpret as the innate joy of Being (which has nothing to do with being happy or not happy). Thoughts continue to rise and fall but they are much less and more transparent. It is more difficult to believe them or to be hooked by them. There are also not many emotions that catch on to the thoughts. Apparently, most emotions are an egoic movement and when that movement is severely silenced it is more difficult to create drama and stories. What is left is mostly “What is”.

Is Magnus still there?

Yes the person is very much still there. There is only the knowing that he is not who I am. In short that is the only difference. Of course, I don´t walk around thinking/feeling that I am not Magnus. And sometimes there is more identification with “things” and sometimes there is more stillness and clarity. What seems to change is that my preference for one or the other is lessening – which is freedom.

So how did this shift come about?

I think it is impossible to find a cause and effect. There are a million things at play. But there are a few things/events that seem to be more important than others in this happening.

I would say about 2-3 years ago a want or a longing to know who I am awoke more strongly. I started to buy and read books about enlightenment and about people who had undergone some sort of transformation. I started to do serious self-enquiry and spent hours every day reading, sitting in stillness and enquiring. There was also during the day a continuing returning of my attention to consciousness. So in a way, the spiritual search was a 24 hour “job”.

The most important books were Nisargadattas I am That, and later Bernadette Roberts The Experience of No-Self. Looking into the eyes of Ramana Maharshi which I had a photo of on my fridge also seemed to have an impact. I also wrote a lot which was helpful and also used AI to chat with regarding spiritual matters. Regarding AI it was mostly helpful as a way to refine the questions I had and often the questions were so refined that the question itself disappeared.

I also remember a point on “the journey” where I felt/noticed the mind turning inwards. It was as if the mind stopped being interested in the outer world and it turned inwards in order to find its origin. Until just a couple of months ago the outer world has actually been (physically) in quite a blur. Everything has been a bit fuzzy. Now when the search has stopped that is changing.

The Guru / Teacher

1,5 years ago I met the Dutch non-dual teacher Hans Laurentius, a meeting that to me was extremely surprising at the time. Somehow, I could sense or recognize the truth in him (or Truth recognized Truth) which started an extreme longing for “That”. It was like a fever and a heart aching/longing that awoke and could not be stopped. From that moment I think I was doomed – I would not have stopped until I had realized myself.

The first year after meeting Hans I went to a few satsang weekends and private sessions in Holland and every 2-4 weeks I had sessions with him online on Zoom. These meetings were of uttermost importance, both to clear out misconceptions and contemplate my own questions but also to fuel the longing that was going on in me. Some sort of transmission was also taking place beyond the words. Sometimes I felt that we could have talked about anything – as the transmission was beyond what was being said.

Before the shift happened there was also a long period (2 years?) with a lot of depression, panic, anxiety. Every shit that could come up, came up. At some point to the extent that I remember saying out loud to Life that “Now I am done. Now you can do whatever you like with me. I have tried everything I can but now I give up and give myself to you”. Perhaps that surrender played a role in it.

Also at one point, months before the shift happened, I had an insight or realization that it was not I who saw, or the eyes that were seeing. I noticed that it was the Heart that was seeing – or awareness. It was a surprising insight.

Like I said there are (as with most things in life) a million things at play. Maybe all the Somatic Experiencing-sessions I took the last year were necessary. If not for the awakening itself at least for the process of letting old stuff go. The less dirt in the chakras the easier the process after the shift. Maybe it also makes it less likely that you fall back into old patterns/identity.

The second shift

As I mentioned earlier there was later a second shift which could be called awakening to the Absolute. Or awakening to that I am Nothing. As that which is unchangeable, undivided, never dying, never born and actually impossible to talk about.

It is a realization that you are not even consciousness (the experiencing, the witnessing, the seeing). Even that is fleeting and not the ultimate reality, but only a reflection of the Absolute. Consciousness is coming and going, for example as in the waking state and in deep sleep. But something is still there. Or the appearance of the person Magnus is coming (being born) and going (dying), but something is still there – unchanging.

The Absolute itself (which isn’t an it) cannot experience anything or see anything. For the Absolute to see itself it has to appear as consciousness. Only through consciousness (a conscious Being) the Absolute can experience itself. And with consciousness there is duality. So the Absolute is completely Non-Dual and with consciousness duality is born. Subject and Objects are born. Experiences are born. The world is born. So the world appears in You. You are not appearing in a World.

One “Joke” of realizing the Absolute is that you come to see that there is actually nothing that can be called awakening. Because the Absolute was there all the time, unchanged. It “created” consciousness so that it could experience itself. Then it could pretend it was lost, it pretended to be a seeker and it pretended to say WOW! Now I found myself. While the whole time never having been gone. So in reality there was never a seeker, never any one lost and no one waking up. There was actually Nothing happening. So actually there is no waking up. No enlightenment. As they say: “Enlightenment is a cosmic joke, and we are the punchline”.

Some notes about the second shift

After the first shift it might be easy to think that you are “done”. For some reason (after the first shift) when I came upon the knowledge of the Absolute through reading a book by Hans Laurentius, it caught on to me. I had to know and understand what it was. I re-read Nisargadattas book I am That, from a whole new perspective. For the first time I realized that what he called Awareness was the Absolute – something different from consciousness. I also started to read Bernadette Roberts book The Experience of No-Self, which clearly pointed directly to the Absolute.

I started to have small realizations and insights into the nature of the Absolute, while at the same time there was an experience of heaviness and deep presence descending into the body. Coming further and further down (and back). There was also a feeling of something I would call “direct experiencing”. Like there was no difference between Me and that which was experienced. It was all just happening without any one or any thing that it happened to. There was a complete isness of things.

I remember that the looking also shifted. Instead of looking inwards there was now more an outward looking. But into nothingness. Into a complete void. And it was like that void started to swallow me. One day there was an intense fear that bordered on insanity which lasted for hours while I was just staring into the void. It was as if consciousness was being burnt into Nothingness – until nothing was left.

For a couple of months there was like a pendulation between going back and forward between the Absolute and Consciousness. Sometimes it was difficult to know if the process was continuing or not. While this heaviness and presence was descending downwards there was also a deeper cleansing happening of more deep memories and tendencies as I intuit were related to the lower chakras.

For the first days after the second shift the experience was that I walked one meter behind the World – behind life. That the world was appearing in front of me. That slowly ebbed away (which of course any experience will do). There still seem to be a continuous movement of coming further and further back. Like attention is retracting further and further back and the Magnus-experience is happening not To Me but in front of Me or apart from me.

Realizing the absolute there was also pain coming. Why did I have to leave this undivided, complete, unbroken “state” just to take the appearance of a body and split myself of into subjects and objects = the start of all suffering.

Now the Search has stopped, and a new phase has started which is more an unfolding in the now. There is still looking and more deepening/understanding taking place but more as a natural movement than as an “I” that wants to find things out.

Some other comments

Practice

My first teacher Lodewijk Kuijt and his guru Sri Hans Raj Maharaji, were what you could call Bhakti teachers. Sitting in their presence (at least for the first years) put me in contact with my heart and I could rest as Being. For me the heart was the doorway. My only practice was to sit down and to be with Being. The last years the heart as such was not needed as a focus point but I could just sit down and be with Being (or Consciousness).

My last teacher Hans, called it “Sitting by the door”. The Me cannot open (or crack) the door. If awakening happens or not is not up to you. But you can sit by the door and wait – and if it opens it´s better to sit by the door than be far away from it. So in retrospect that is what I did. I was being with Being (Consciousness) until the door open and there was no more Me. And of course you realize that there was never a Me and also never a Door.

Ego / Adulthood

In my case, it seems like, I had to build up an ego before the ego could be let go of. There was a strong want to be successful, fit in to the society, to be someone, to be loved and so on. That movement was very strong in me – almost to the point where it killed me, because I pushed myself over boundaries that to some extent were not healthy. But I also came to a point where I felt: OK now enough. I don´t have to prove myself anymore. I have fulfilled my dreams and longings/wantings or at least I will not come further than this. When that movement stopped it seemed that it was easier to turn inwards. The outward focus to be someone, to be loved, to fit in etcetera was not so strong anymore.

Problems

There seems to be difficult to have a problem. Or to see things as problems. Which makes sense because the one having the problem, the “I”, is not there (as much). So challenges, unpleasantries, unease can be there but more as facts or occurrences. That said, there is still moments of identification, but which also is starting to be seen just as movements in the same Awareness. Just as any other thought or emotion.

Aware while sleeping

A weird thing happened one afternoon while taking a longer nap of a bit more than an hour. I was aware both during dreaming and in deep sleep. There was a continuing, unbreakable luminous awareness going on both in waking state, dream state and deep sleep state. Which shows the fact that awareness is the one thing that is Real or eternal, while consciousness comes and goes.

On Consciousness / The I am

Consciousness is everything – the totality of experiencing. The perceiving, the content of perception including the thought/feeling that you are some one. There is no difference between the perceiver, the perceiving and the perceived. So the most easy way to say what you are is perhaps that you are Experiencing. No subject. No object.

This experiencing is passive. It happens whether you like it or not. There is no You/Perceiver who chooses between good or bad, which takes a standpoint. There are only different tendencies (expressions) depending on the persons DNA/biology and life experiences. The metaphor that came to me while seeking was that the person is like a wooden board into which different holes are stamped. The location and the size of the holes depend on the persons biology and experiences. Magnus will have different holes than some other person.

When light (consciousness) shines on the board it will reflect differently through “the board Magnus” as compared to someone else, since Magnus holes are different. This means that “my” World will look different than “your World”. But it is completely impersonal. The reflection is just different. Consciousness appearing as different body-mind organisms.

Every body-mind organism has different tendencies and different concepts (ideas). The first concept before all other concepts are created, is the sense “I am”. The sense that I exist. Not that I exist as something but only the sense “I am”. After that concept all other concepts are born like “I am good”, “I am bad”, “I have a body”, “I am Magnus” etcetera etcetera.

Nisargadatta points the seeker to investigate into this sense “I am”, which is another way of saying put your attention to Being. So the sense “I am” is the same in everybody, it´s before identity as this and as that has started.

I thought it was interesting to read about the Buddhas explanation of the self and the 5 bundles of Experience, since it resonated with my own experience and findings. Buddha does not separate consciousness from Name/Form, Feelings, Perceptions or Inclinations. Consciousness cannot exist as separate from subjects or objects. If there are no objects for example there is nothing to be conscious of, hence no consciousness. If there is no consciousness there is no knowledge of any objects, hence there is no objects and no world. So without You there is no World and vice versa. In the same way you cannot separate thoughts, feelings, perceptions or actions/inclination from consciousness. It is one totality of a continuous happening.

Nisargadatta puts it in a similar way when he says that together with the body Consciousness appears. And with that the sense I am. When the body dies, consciousness disappears with it. So consciousness is dependent on the food-body. If we stop drinking or eating, consciousness will eventually disappear. Only the Absolute will remain but without anyone being conscious of it.