Tired of self-improvement? Time for Self-realization?

When you cook a stew, it is valuable to stir from time to time. Especially in the beginning. You need to give the stew some air and space, smell it, see what's in it, let it mature. Spice it up, perhaps.

But if you keep stirring for hours, days, or even years, what happens? Well – instead of maturing into an even better meal, the stew starts to get soggy, brownish, burnt, and won't taste or smell very good in the end.

The same goes for self-improvement. It is valuable up to a point to give your pot a stir. To examine yourself and get to know your strengths and weaknesses, your insecurities and blind spots – where you are a nice person and where you are an idiot. And sure, some of your traits can use a bit of spice. It is nice to get your relationship patterns more in order, to be able to focus a bit better, not to close down in intimacy and so on…

What most of us tend to do, unfortunately, is to keep stirring… and stirring… and stirring. Driven by an endless sense that we are not good enough, that we are not worthy, or that we lack something essential, we feel we have to work on ourselves just a tad more. To fix or adjust one more thing. Then we will be the perfect diamond we were born to be. Then we will be happy for ever after. And everybody will love us ;)

Self-improvement is endless

But I promise you – it's endless. I really tried to be more lovable, authoritative, smarter, cooler. But "a monkey in a suit is a monkey no less," as Rodriguez put it in a song. Some things you just have to live with (which from a non-dual perspective is not you by the way – read more on non-duality here). And furthermore, there will always be someone who is smarter, more beautiful, wiser, richer, healthier, or more spiritual than you. And I also promise you – it's so nice just to be what you are without fighting yourself. Quite relaxed, actually. :-)

At some point, the stirring of the pot should come to an end. Realise that you have your quirks, your shortcomings, and your idiosyncrasies, as well as your strengths, your beautiful sides, and your diamonds. What if you could let your shortcomings be there the same way you accept your nice sides? It's not your fault anyway – you didn't ask for your lesser traits any more than your better ones.

When it starts to smell – take your nose out of the pot

You know when you listen to someone who, for the millionth time, tells you the same story about the same pattern or problem? It's like a piece of chewing gum that lost its flavor long ago. The first time you hear the story, it can be interesting to go into it, to help stirring. But the hundredth time, it starts to get tiresome. We all have those stories we like to fall into. But does it help to stir the pot once again? How likely is it that the stew will suddenly start to taste like magic, or that you'll find a secret super-ingredient in there? Or is it finally time to stop stirring? To take your nose out of the pot and breath some fresh air?

When you stop and step back, sometimes you realise that the stew is actually ok as it is. It's not soo bad actually. Or at least that it won't get any better than this (which might be perfect, you just got too hung up on the bad ingredients). Other times you realise you don't even like this particular stew anymore, but you've just kept stirring out of habit—which makes you very tired, by the way. And sometimes you realise it would be nice to mix it up with a salad, or a pizza, and try something completely new. Perhaps you even start to get as tired of your endless stirring as the people around you.

Clarity is about waking up from your habits and patterns. Without involvement, without judgement, and with a clear curiosity – look at the stew and see if it has been stirred enough.

Let me give you an example. The other day, I caught myself starting to compare myself to another non-dual teacher. Is he the real deal? Am I not better or wiser? Well, I didn't like that side of me. I even resented it a bit. It tasted a bit foul.

So, I had a choice (you could say). I could start stirring the stew to produce "better" thoughts—try to be more accepting, more open-minded, less comparative. Or—which is what I did—I could step back, watch the stew, and just leave it be. I know that stew from before. I don't have to work on it anymore. Just leave it be.

And by the way: There is, of course, nothing wrong with continuing to learn about yourself. But there is an important difference between staying openly interested in who you are (often out of a sense of curiosity) and the contracted, stressful need to constantly self-improve (often out of a sense of lack).

So, what is the difference between self-improvement and Self-Realization?

While self-improvement is busy trying to fix the person, Self-Realization concerns taking a step back from the person. Seeing that you are not the person, nor the stew, nor the stirring—you are the silent space in which the person, the stew and the stirring appear.

Self-Realization rarely happens in a single instant, but you can gradually become familiar with that space. Instead of constantly focusing on your traits and shortcomings, you can start to turn your attention toward the space in which everything arises. Or put another way: you can direct your attention toward that which is seeing or noticing the person and the restless stirring.

And that space—that seeing—does not try to change you. It has no need to perfect the stew. The more acquainted you become with that which is seeing rather than your limited person, the sooner the restless, endless stirring comes to a natural end. And when you catch yourself getting busy stirring again, you simply notice it... and often, the spoon just comes to a halt. What a relief! :)

I'm not interested in stirring your old stew with you. But if you are interested in finding a new way, try a new dish, something a bit more alive perhaps, you are warmly welcome to investigate together with me.